Dr. Snake and The Snake Doctors

by Greig Johnson

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released July 26, 2019


all rights reserved



Greig Johnson Leeds, UK

Comedy actor and musician who's in 'The Mash Report' and 'Class Dismissed' and is rep'd by
Troika Talent.

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Track Name: Freakshow (Snake's Theme)
If you come down to the pub today
You're sure to get a big surprise
There's a crackpot carnival of gypsy freaks
And we're here to blow your buttoned-down minds.
A junkshop, punkrock pirate band
Falling down the stairs with a bottle in each hand
We're mad as a hatter and we're daft as a brush
And we stay up very late indeed.

We're a whacked-out crew, we're a witches' brew
And all our posters have a circus theme
Big tops, gramaphones, fish with legs;
The strangest things you've ever seen.
We've slept on the traintracks, howled at the moon
Danced with the devil to a twisted tune
We're vagabond troubadours, breaking all the rules
And we never feel self-conscious in hats.

Ein, zwei, drei we're a Freakshow! Freakshow!
Freakshow! Freakshow!
Track Name: First World Problem Stomp
Should I buy a PS4 or a Switch for my son?
I got First World Problems and that Switch just one. Hit me.

Well we all gonna suffer, yeah we all get strife
That's just the way that it go
Well you say you got trouble brother – that ain't right
But me I got some worries of my own.
My Photoshop's crashing, my phone's getting slow
And Netflix is slim pickings at best.
Lotta folks I know say, "Hey, I can't complain"
But I got it bout as bad as it gets.

I got burden. Honey I got grief. Yeah.
They may be First World baybeh… but they're still Problems to me.

'Fore you tell me I'm lucky, try walkin in my shoes
Till you got the Two-Years-Out-of-Date-Racing-Bike Blues
Now it's playroom or steamroom — we can't have both
Lord, I almost had to dip into the ISA this month.
My homebrew kombucha's slightly vinegary
Got denied planning permission for an orangery
The folks I always vote for are taxing me dry, and this year's
Wimbledon clashes with a wedding in Dubai.

I got burden — I'm down on my knees
They may be First World baybeh… but they're still Problems to me.

Sure I'm hashtag Blessed. Always check my privilege.
But 60meg wifi'd push any man to the edge
My allotment's yielding far too many courgettes
I wanna snowboard but I can't find my salopettes.

That's my burden. A pain I just can't hide
It's First World problematic… I can't be satisfied.

I just want my own personal shopper.
Someone to buy me stuff; is that asking too much?
Track Name: Wrong Wine Blues
The lights are down low. The candles are lit
The coffee table's groaning with Kettle Chips.
You've friends comin round for dinner and drinks
Bust out the Best of Bublé and the bombay mix.
Bin slavin away at that Aga all day
S'a Yotam Ottolenghi tagine
But what's the flavour profile? What you gonna pair it with?
Tell me honeychild, d'you even know what that means?

I'd recommend a Riesling, if it's chicken or fish
Viogniers'll play with any buttery dish
Don't come crawlin to me, cos I'm a-warnin you
When your reputation's battered and bruised
You got the Wrong Wine Blues.

D'you think a Pinot's robust enough for that greasy lamb?
That tannin structure's gonna be fine?
Bought Grenache as your backup, like you don't give a damn
Lord, I'm askin boy have you lost your mind?
You need a plummy, new world Merlot. Bold, smoky notes. Hints of
coffee, spice and orange peel
Where's the chocolate, leather, bitumen and toasted oak?
Where's your rudimentary knowledge of the Flavour Wheel?

I'd recommend a Malbec, if it's pork or blue cheese
Apply some basic theory I'm a-beggin you please
Don't come cryin to me, cos y'ain't got no excuse
Gon feel it from your hat to your shoes
You got dem Wine Faux Pas Blues.

Let's say you've got a regional manager you need to impress
Why d'you wash that dinner down with any old piss?
Go 'head an laugh all you want, but some things
a man can't undo
If it's Blossom Hill you may as well serve Irn Bru

Beef Ragu — CHIANTI!
Pizza Pie — PINOTAGE!
Fondue — CHABLIS!
Cassoulet — CÔTES DU RHÔNE!
Cheese Soufflé — CHARDONNAY!
Quiche Lorraine — BEAUJOLAIS!
Beaujolais, yeah. You havin some
Tagliatelle? PINOT GRIGIO!
Pork belly? RIESLING!
Stroganoff? A BIG SHIRAZ!
Casserole — BURGUNDY!
So for expert advice just come on down to Majestic Wine.
Dot co dot uk
Track Name: Huddersfield Girl
You're sweet as honey but you're sharp as a tack
Feet in the gutter, but your head's in the clouds.
Your eyes shine like the broken glass
Coverin' the streets of your home town.
I'll take you anywhere girl, I ain't ashamed
The realest thing that I ever had.
You're the Tramp to my Lady, Pauper to my Prince.
Like finding a diamond in a kebab.
There ain't no right or wrong side of the tracks
And me I got the best of both worlds
So I wouldn't change a thing bout my Huddersfield Girl.

And when you, tell moving stories of your childhood
I hang on every Northern word.
You guys had nothing but the fire in your hearts
You don't know how lucky you were. You tell me
you used to have blue dreads. Used to smoke cigarettes
And sometimes skive off school. And though I
can't pretend to fully condone that kind of behaviour
I will admit it's quite cool.
I know you ain't had it easy,
But without grit we wouldn't get no pearls
Say you'll always be… my gritty Huddersfield Girl.

You say moo-er, while I say moor
My friends don't always understand the way that you talk
You may not be shoo-er but this time I'm sure
That as long as you want me I'm gon' be your Harrogate Boy.
Sing sha-la-la-la-lala.

[Shenanigan solo]

Our first date, I buy you olives in an award-winning spa town
I know it's like a dream come true
But me I'd be happy in a Pizza Express
Long as I'm sharin doughballs with you. You built a...

Milnsbridge between us and you Meltham'd my heart. Turned this…
Hillhouse into a Holme (with an L. And an E on the end).
You got me on the Edgerton of my seat
Cos I can't Linthwaite to see your Nether Thong.
In the nite there ain't no class divide
when I'm making sweet love to her.
So I pray she'll always be — always be my Huddersfield Girl.
Track Name: Wild, Wild Stag
I sent a beer emoji on WhatsApp, and wrote 'Boys, this is gonna hurt'
Drank a G&T in the kitchen as I ironed a smart casual shirt.
Barely had to wait for the Uber. Then that Party Prius rolled into town
Me and all my friends who were available. Gonna paint it red and burn it down.

Wild, wild stag, let the cats out the bag / It's a Tuesday and we're raisin hell
Wild, wild stag, no I don't mean to brag / But honey I wasn't home till twelve.
I briefly wore a traffic cone like a wizard's hat as we joked about gettin tattoos
Cos if you're offering horseplay, I don't mind if I do. Yeah.

We did a submarine-themed escape room / Didn't make it out, but we had a blast
And we're there to this day, on their Facebook page / Wearing funny nautical hats.
Then for gluten-free, high-end cocktails / that came in lightbulbs and conical flasks
So, they were slightly too sweet and they sure weren't cheap
But I was havin too much fun to ask. And I only had two.

Wild, wild stag, let the cats out the bag / Bad boys lookin for a fight (metaphorically)
Wild, wild stag, no I don't mean to brag / But child we own this town tonite. Yeah.
I've got a hot face and I'm sleepy / Baby we is havin a ball
And when my brother leaves early, I hardly mind at all.

A table for six at Fazenda / Where they carve the beef right onto your plate. Woo!
We were full within minutes, but we stayed for an hour,
though I don't usually eat that late.
Felt like the kings of Leeds, musta had 7 meats. Or maybe 8. Or even 9.
And though my friend Ethan's a vegan / He had the courtesy to just eat sides.
…And I appreciated him not making a thing out of it...

Wild, wild stag, let the cats out the bag / The wildest night that I ever had
We almost nearly went to a strip club / But agreed that it'd make us sad.
My friends from school all had to work next day,
so caught the second to last train home
While I chilled and waited for an Uber that didn't show
So I walked home on my own
Yeah the stag walked home alone.
Track Name: You're Gone
You're gone, yet the days drag on.
Every night's so long, since you've been gone.
It's all wrong. No stars to wish upon.
My heart's without a song. Now that you're gone.

I sit and think about you, try to live without you, but it's too hard.
I stare down from a bridge and, if I could find the courage, I would
jump just to be where you are. Now you're gone.
And I've tried to be strong.
But why would I go on, now that you're gone?

[Kazoo solo]

The wine tastes of nothing, the song's out of tune, the world's in black and white.
I'm just growing older. Our bed it feels colder than
the cemetery ground where you lie.

You're gone. Life's slowed to a crawl. I'm gonna end it all.
Now that you're beep bop a-zoopa dappa deep bop GONE.